Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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