You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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