btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
