in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
