The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
