It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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