I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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