My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
