she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
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I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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