my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
