My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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