It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
