dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
