Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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