I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
