You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
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i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
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What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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