It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
