I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
