I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
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