I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
