If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
