Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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