just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
