dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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