Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
