Me. At least after what I've been through.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE