I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.