they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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