I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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