I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
