Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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