tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
