i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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