I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
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