I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
