I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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