She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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