I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
