I think my fart just growled at me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
it's like heaven, but drunker
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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