as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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