I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
