I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
