Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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