I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
