At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.