my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Less talking, more tequila
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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