I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
