Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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