when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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