Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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