I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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