She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
