I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
