I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
