we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
