I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
