I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
