i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Randomize
