It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
